Ok Lets Hear Ya Jokes !

[A TIN OF JAR]

(1)A shoplifter goes into morrisons goes to the meat department and steals a couple of pork chops, the security guard spots him and thinks ill catch him when hes on his way out, so he waits at the main doors when the shoplifter goes to walk out the door the guard says :!: what are u doing with those pork chops ? the shoplifter replys................... mash and gravy !

(2) 2 blondes walikin down the road one blond spots a mirror in the middle of the road, goes over picks it up looks in it and she looks rather puzzled the other blonde says whats up with u ? she replys im sure i know that face the other blonde replys where gimme a look she looks in it and says .......... its me u idiot !

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[A TIN OF LEAD]

What do you call a Laggin Noob

A Tin Of Salmon :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
LOL

[infuzeR]

Sex is like Maths

ADD the bed
SUBTRACT the clothes
DIVIDE the legs
and MULTIPLY

[A TIN OF BILBO]

The government has announced a new Bank Holiday in memory of Princess Diana and Mr Fayed.

It is going to be called " Did-Di-and-Dodi-Die Day "....


Bilbo.

[aardfrith]

A man goes to work, climbs up on a chair and starts hanging from the
light in the middle of the office.

His secretary comes in and asks what he is doing.

He says that he wants a couple of days off, so when the boss arrives,
he'll tell him he's a lightbulb so the boss will think he's gone mad and
will send him home for a few days to recover.

A few minutes later, the boss comes in, see the man hanging from the
middle of the office and asks what he is doing.

The man replies that he is a lightbulb and the boss thinks he's gone mad
and sends him home for a couple of days to recover.

As the man walks out, he is followed by the secretary. The boss asks her why she is leaving as well.

"Well," she replies, "You can't expect me to work in the dark."
:sprint:

[Dee]

A farmer is helping a cow give birth when he notices his 4 year old son standing wide-eyed at the fence,witnessing the whole thing.
"Dammit," the man says to himself,"now i m gonna have to explain the birds and the bees."
Not wanting to jump the gun the amn decides to wait and see if his son asks any questions.After everything has finished the man walks over to the boy and asks "Well son do you have any questions"
"Just one," says the boy,"how fast was that calf going when it hit that cow?"

PS... I think Soup Is so handsom!
I want his babys!

:smt060

[Dee]

i asked u to edit it soup my luv not add other things on

[A TIN OF ELV]

I need some advice, i dont mind who its from as i am very hurt:-(

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.
She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".
I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi?
I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her.
I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?

[A TIN OF SOUP]

lmfao @ ELv..

That was on radio 2 on monday he he

[A TIN OF OATS]

ELV - live really is a bitch sometimes. It's always hard to know what to say to someone when this happens, but you really have to do something - these things rarely sort themselves out.

How about doing a quick cover-up on the rust and selling the car before it gets to be a real problem?

[A TIN OF SOUP]

lmfao

[A TIN OF BILBO]

Post deleted.

Sorry for being a prude, but I thought this was a bit much for a public forum. My kids read these, as do a lot of others.

Oats

[A TIN OF OX]

lmao

[aardfrith]

George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea.

"Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime
Minister in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father
have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is
it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that
one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give
him an answer.

Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's
shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father
have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's
Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his
face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[A TIN OF SNIPE]

LMFAO!!!! ahahaha best 1 ever! :cheers:

[A TIN OF STONE]

while driving down a country lane a bloke spots a 4 legged chicken and decides to try and catch it but he soon notices that he is doing 80mph and the chicken is staying ahead of him,,,follows it to a farmyard where it dissapears so knocks on the farmers door and says to the farmer,ive just followed a four legged chicken hereto which the farmer tells him yeh i breed them here cos my family allways argue over who is having the legs for sunday dinner so now theres 1 each,,,ummmm said the bloke,what they taste like,,farmer says dunno never cought 1

[A TIN OF ELV]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man an Accountant, the third man a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart The Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.

But, the Chemist said his cat could do even better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?".
The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff." CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation, called a Lawyer, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave..

[A TIN OF FEAR]

An evil goblin had captured a philosopher, a physisist and an engineer in his castle (dont ask), and he said to them

"If you can cross this room and pick up the bag of gold on the other side, you can keep the gold, marry my beautiful daughter and go free"

"but there is one condition, each step you take must be half the distance of the step before"

"if you fail, i will eat you"

The philosopher was first, he looked across the room...

"It is impossible!" said the philosopher "for with each step I take I get smaller and smaller and will never reach the gold, you may as well eat me now"

so the goblin did, and he was very tasty.

The physisist was next, and he at least did try, but no matter how precisely he measured each step, down to the nearest atom, he calculated he could not reach the gold before he grew old and died.

"It is unreachable!" said the physisist "you may as well eat me now"

so the goblin did, and he was very tasty too.

Then the engineer looked across the room and thought long and hard, then he took one step, then another - half the distance - and another, and another and another - halving the distance each time until he was within an arms reach of the gold.

"near enough!" says the engineer picking up the gold, "if engineering was an exact science nothing would ever get done!"


(yeah I know, but I'm better at computers than I am at jokes...)

[A TIN OF FEAR]

President Bush goes to an elementary school to talk about the war.

After his talk, he offers to answer questions. One little boy puts up his hand and the president asks him his name.

“I’m Billy, sir.”

“And what’s your question, Billy?”

“I have three questions, sir. Why did the US invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?”

Just then the bell rings for recess. Bush announces that they’ll continue after recess.

When they return, Bush asks, “OK, where were we? Question time! Who has a question?”

Another little boy raises his hand. The president asks his name.

“I’m Steve, sir.”

“And what’s your question, Steve?”

“I have five questions, sir. Why did the US invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Why did the recess bell go off twenty minutes early? And what the heck happened to Billy?”

William Gibson

[A TIN OF FELIX]

Dave is in his local pub and is talking to his friend at the bar

"hey bob, i meet this lovely girl last night"

"oh yeah, where?"


"tied to the railway line" says dave

"what? tied to the railway line" coughs bob

"yeah, tied to the railway line and she was dressed in a little nightie, so i took her home"

"and......" asked bob


"oh, get her in bed, stripped her naked and made love in all kinds of positions, best sex ever! exclaimed dave


"she fit then?"


"oh yes, best body on a woman ive ever see or been with!" dave nearly shouted...

"was she pretty looking?" asked bob

" dont know, never found her head" said dave.........

:mrgreen:

[TheTemplar]

Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another.
"I think not," he says.....
....... and vanishes
Templar

[A TIN OF DEATH]

At the top of Christ's cross there was these letters I.N.R.I what do they stand for?









































































































Im Nailed Right In :twisted:

[A TIN OF SALMON]

i thought it was the lifeboat ppl lol :mrgreen:

[A TIN OF SNIPE]

i thought it was the lifeboat ppl lol :mrgreen:

lmao me 2 salmon

[A TIN OF B3NO]

1) Q: What's dumber than 2 blondes building a house under water?

A: Two blondes trying to set it on fire.


2)

How do you keep a blonde occupied?

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3)


A blonde walks down the street and slips on a banana peel. Soon after she sees another banana peel a few yards ahead, and she sighs.

"Aw, here we go again."

[A TIN OF JAR]

An Englishman, Irishman & a Scotsman playin golf with there wifes, the Englishman's wife steps up to place the ball on the tee and as she bends over to place the ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up to reveal her lack of underwear the Englishman says " Good God woman! why aint you wearing any knickers ?" she replys"well, you dont give me enough housekeeping to be able to afford any."
The Englishman reatches into his pocket and says "for the sake of decency, here go bye yourself some underwear."

Next the Scotsman's wife bends over to set the ball on the tee, her skirt also blows in a gust of wind showing that she is wearing no undies. "sweet mudder of ...., Aggie! where the frig are yer drawers?" she to explains, " you dinna give me enough housekeeping to be able to affard any." The Scotsman also reatches into his pocket and says "heres some money go bye ya self some underweare."

Lastly, the Irishman's wife steps up to place the ball on the tee and again as she bends over a gust of wind blows to reveal that she is wearing no undies either " Bless virgin mary, woman! you've no knickers on. why not?"she replys "you dont give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any." the Irishman reatches into his pocket and says " well for the love of jesus n the sake of decency, heres a comb. tidy yaself up abit."

[STEVE]

LMFAO! Great Jokes!!

[A TIN OF FAT]

POPE AND QUEEN OF ENGLAND

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.

Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her.

[A TIN OF FEAR]

lmfao...

i'm gonna tell that to me ma' at christmas dinner :)

[A TIN OF PEACH]

hehehehe i liked the last one fatty ::D:

[A TIN OF SNIPE]

lmao fatty! good 1 dude!!