A TIN OF FAT
10th December 2004, 05:18 AM
WAR BETWEEN IRELAND AND FRANCE AVERTED
Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting
in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could
perpetrate when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo,
Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are
officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed
important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation,
"there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door
neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the
pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on
my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr.
Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us
some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac
asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and
Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I
have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers.
Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty
thousand since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get
back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr.
Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get
ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's
ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four
boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his
throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100
bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air
missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased
my army to two hundred thousand!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to
ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o'
the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we
have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a
bunch of pints, and decided there's no bloody way we
can feed two hundred thousand prisoners.
_________________
Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting
in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could
perpetrate when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo,
Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are
officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed
important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation,
"there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door
neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the
pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on
my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr.
Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us
some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac
asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and
Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I
have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers.
Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty
thousand since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get
back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr.
Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get
ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's
ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four
boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his
throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100
bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air
missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased
my army to two hundred thousand!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to
ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o'
the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we
have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a
bunch of pints, and decided there's no bloody way we
can feed two hundred thousand prisoners.
_________________